Random Stuff #020: Why not believe?

I’m quite sure if people I know were to read this blog, they would be shocked about my opinions. Mainly  for two reasons. First, I’m not the kind to rattle on about sensitive subjects unless I’m in like minded company. Secondly, I’m a damn good actor. I honestly deserve an Oscar for best hypocritical performance. I wear a plastic plague mask of deceit. I go to church scornfully and just sit the whole time reminiscing what kind of person I am. If I was to express my opinions, my family would probably (or not) leave me to hang out dry. So I can’t take the chance. I have to believe in the impossible instead. I mean I have to believe I can pull off an Oscar worthy performance. I have to act like I’m toeing the religious line. Even though I think its complete bullshit. 

But lately its been getting to me at times. I can’t win four consecutive Oscars. At some point a better actor or better movie will steal it. So I might have to write the script to win the screenwriter award instead. So I resort to psychological warfare in my fake Hollywood screenplay. I’m beginning to learn how to manipulate people to my advantage. I’m especially intrigued how to manipulate people in groups. Thats what great leaders are good at.

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My proverbial “coming out”

My coming out is not in the sense of sexual orientation. If I was to come out that way, I’d say I’m as straight as anyone interested in a little butt action. Just a finger is enough. Judging from my failed experiments I don’t see how I’d fall in love with another man. I’ll talk more on that in later posts.

Back to my coming out.

Well I’m coming out to say I’m not a Catholic anymore. I don’t buy the whole story of Jesus being up in the clouds. I’m not a christian per se either. I’m a de facto atheist. Although I didn’t want to identify as such initially because I had a negative perception of atheism stemming from my staunch Catholic upbringing. But I have learnt over the last few years that you don’t need to worship a deity so as to fulfil your life or have a yardstick for morality. I don’t know whether to tell my parents yet. Maybe I’ll tell them when I’m independent. Right now I’m a dependent and my beliefs aren’t worth me sleeping on the streets. The things we do for survival!!!

In 2012, the chaplain at my school said something that started me on my way to atheism. 

I asked him, “Some sins aren’t specified in the bible or anywhere but they are still wrong. At times you have to sin so as to protect someone else. You could have to lie to your friend that you aren’t sick so as to make sure he doesn’t worry about you. Stuff like that”

He replied, “Whatever you do, wherever you are, whoever you represent, whenever you are going to do something always ask yourself this question, ‘Is it fair?’. And you’ll always know whether what you do is right or wrong.”

Afterwards I thought long and hard about it for days and weeks. I applied it to every situation I was in. I always asked myself, “Is this fair to my neighbor or to me or to the people around me??”

It wasn’t long before I discovered there were some loopholes when it came to fairness in the church. For instance, is it fair to have only male priests occupying superior positions? Is it fair to allow or condone sexism in the church? Is it fair to not allow LGBT people into church but keep letting murderers and rapists in after repentance? Is it fair to perform fake miracles to sell people a fantasy that has never been real? Or is there any fairness in the mass genocide perpetrated by various religions allover the world? 

It wasn’t an instantaneous flip of a switch. It was a slow gradual process. It took time. I went along with it. Patience was the key. I asked big questions about my belief and read and looked at Catholicism deeply. I separated the things I liked about it and those I didn’t. I’ll talk more on that in later posts.

So the journey started in 2012, by the start of 2014 I had serious doubts about my religion. By the end of 2014, I had lost my sense of belief. Early 2015 I was already a part atheist. Though I didn’t want yo be affiliated with atheism and religion. I wanted to be free of arguments about religion or atheism. I didn’t want any of it anymore. I realised I had spent too much time on things that didn’t matter. 

Mid-2016 saw me run into my first Richard Dawkins literature – The God Delusion. Suddenly I could explain exactly what I felt, I understood better how I felt about organised religion. I realised I had always been an atheist but I was foolish/in denial about it. Dawkins talks about how religion recruit kids before they even have an opinion about it. I was a victim of that. I was baptized before I could even say a word. I grew up Catholic but as soon as I could make a decision out of soundmind and maturity I concluded religion has no effect (except psychological torture) on my life.